one too many mornings and a.. moment of clarity

Funny enough, but not ha-ha funny, having decided I was not going to loose it again - the very next morning I did it again. One too many mornings-

My son, the two year old, wakes me att 6.30 which is OK. Everything earlier is NOT ok. But once he is set on starting his morning there is nothing one can do about it. Still, at that hour of the day I'm dead tired. He carefully withdraws the covers, even at the feet, then he says Up! Up! UP!
Great.
The smallest one, the baby, wakes up - wants food. My husband is obviously asleep in my son's bed, as he has taken the night-duty and slept beside him. I'm ready to take the morning"routine".  I try to nurse the baby, but my son comes walking happily with a toy hammer and I have to postpone the nursing.
This is very stressful, (anyone who has been nursing knows it does something with your hormones..).

After what is a couple of hours of navigating through what is close to chaos (don't do this don't do that) we are getting closer to the time when my husband sees my son of to daycare. But at this time the baby is getting fuzzy and the two-year-old even fuzzier.
When I finally loose it, it has again to do with those little gloves he doesn't want to put on. I want to have a smooth and nice farewell, but time is running out. The small fingers of his that slips away while he is shouting for something I do not get. But it has to do with the grouphoto of his daycare buddies on the fridge. "Yes, those are your friends and you are going there!" He' s protesting. "You are going to meet them soon!" But he doesn't settle for anything and refuses to put on the gloves and gets loader and louder.. The baby gets loader and louder too. .

Then I suddenly find myself throwing the gloves on the floor, I say something - let's say it's "goodammit"- and tears start flowing. My husband asks what is the matter.
"I can't stand it when he is screaming and crying" I scream and cry. Logical, right?

That's the second I loose it and give up - and that's exactly the same moment I realize what he wants. He wants to hold the photo. He wants to bring it. As he always brings something from home to daycare, like my husband said: "it's like a bridge from home to there".
If only I had watched him more carefully. How important were those gloves after all? If I had been watching him more carefully I would have known. I know it's not so easy and I do forgive my self about this turmoil and that I loose it. Still, it's uncomfortable. For me, and certainly for him.

When my husband returns after he has left him at daycare he tells me how our son had brought the photo, to show the other children. How they gathered around, pointing out who was who. (I find that very funny.) My husband said "don't worry, you're a good mother". I said: "it is so hard somtimes".


It is hard to feel so insufficient. They need me so much, the children, both of them, equally.
And then suddenly it dawned upon me: I'M A MOTHER OF TWO.
Well, I admit, I have noticed before - but it kind of hit me. Like a moment of clarity.
I suddenly understood the situation totally from their perspective - just how much they need me.
Why? Why do they need me, why do they want me so bad?
Because - I'm their mother.
This filled me with so much compassion and fear my eyes flooded with tears - again.

Compassion - of course. From the deep of my heart. Fear - of not being enough for them!
And frankly, for a moment, fear of the fact that there is NO ESCAPE. Maybe this sound strange to you but I was always very fond of escape routes. For several reasons I don't do escape any longer.
And this one? I'm stuck. Thank God for that.