Let there by a day, a whole day without any irritation, frustration. Maybee even without "No don't do this, don't do that." It is wearing me out. Let's just say: I have a threemonths old baby and a almost twoyears old in the house. And the biggest one he is - as he should be - a handful! He haven't slept one night through since he was born. Last night was the same as ever and I slept beside him teddybear up my face, waking up every half hour by his twisting and turning, but to tired to go back to our bedroom.. until six o'clock or something - that's when I hear the smallest one is awake. Not that she screams, she rarely does, but my instinct does that: I hear her moving about, in another room, she is quietly searching..
Then starts the struggle. That means: then starts the morning routine. Which is no routine. My son changes pattern on us every day. One morning oatmeal is the best thing in the world. Next day he gets so upset about the oatmeal he throws the plate in the floor?! One morning daycare seems like a great idea. Next morning it is like he is being lead to his own execution. Which means trouble starts already with jumping out of PJ's. It's like living with a phsycopath. Which means it is so hard to not loose it and get really frustrated and irritated. Which is exactly the wrong way to go. It will allways make things worse. Knowing that strangely enough doesn't help. In so many situations when it comes to children we are all but reactions. I want to help myself to not react like that. It is not easy when you are so tired. But I feel that it's important. We do so many things just by reaction. Like saying things to our kids automatically, seldom explaining why. Or, if we do explain rules it is because some "rules are just there for everyone to learn". But what if we added our personal feelings and explanations to everything? The child can connect to that.
So:
Let there be ONE day without this struggle. Does that mean my son has to be able to do all he wants to do? Or is it enough if I change my attitude? What if all he needs is a little more time at every new step in a day? But this day is already spoiled by my frustration - angrily putting on his little gloves he didn't want to wear, his dad waiting to bring him to daycare. And right after I feel that sense of guilt. Why couldn't I be more patient? Can I learn that? Well, yes, I think I can. And I want to learn how to let him have his frustration and sadness sometimes without ME getting upset. He has to feel that what he is feeling is OK. Well my mind is set. Let's make the afternoon a really smooth one shall we?
And I have the strangest sleeping routine. Go to bed 3 in the morning. Today I woke up halv past one in the afternoon. This has a lot to do with my nutty job of course, but also me not being able to put it back right in my free time.
ReplyDeleteI need a mother to wake me up in the morning. Gently, like my mother used to do, with a wet towel carefully wiping my tired face until I woke up. Or a baby. But I have no idea how I would cope without good sleep. The thought of it frightens me. I´d turn into a monster. (And my dog is no help in this matter. She´s just like me. She adapts to my silly routine, always happy)
I send you love and admiration, beautiful C.
Thankyou so much. This is what a friend wrote, though she couldn't post it so I just paste it here:
ReplyDeleteThe turmoil this makes inside you is creating a new space- and when the kids are older and dont need that space anymore, its yours too keep. It will slowly fill up with new energy- and make you fly.
I know that with my own body, heart and soul.
Christina, mother of 3
That is a wonderful way to look at it!
ReplyDeleteClara this post is so honest, raw and universal! I think we can all relate to these feelings on some level and in some area of our lives. I used to have a sign on the fridge that said: Pause, Breathe, Respond. My yoga teacher used to explain to us that a reaction is an unconscious response to something that is often negative, while responding is a conscious respond often more positive. It is the stopping and breathing that must happen in order for the response instead of the reaction-- which of course is the hardest part--stopping the knee jerk reaction from coming out in the moment! And when you are operating on less sleep often we go to what is easier than what is sensible. Perhaps a good exercise would be to try and do STOP< PAUSE<RESPOND once during the day and see how it goes. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be "perfect" all the time. Slowly perhaps we will train ourselves to always do this? It's a nice thought!
ReplyDeleteLove love,
Kyle